“Waiting for the sunrise, waiting for the day. I’m waiting for a sign that I’m where you want me to be. You know my heart is heavy and the hurt is deep, but when I feel like giving up you’re reminding me…” These are words from The Afters’ song Lift Me Up. These are words I can’t stop singing.
Here is where I start my married life blogging. And I can promise you it isn’t always going to be pretty.
Whoever first said “the first year of marriage is the hardest” was onto something. One of my sister-in-laws told us in the weeks before our wedding that getting married and having children makes you realize how selfish you are. I think she was onto something too.
My husband and I have struggled tremendously in these 7 months. There has been no “honeymoon period” and we have been seeking help for a little more than a month now. I in no way wish to spill the private details of our imperfect marriage out into writing, but I have advice that I hope can spare some other couple out there the hurt, abandonment, shame, and unbelievable stress that I have felt over the past few months.
Communication is so important, as cliche as that sounds. Lack of it can destroy your marriage. I don’t mean sending text messages throughout the day or coming home in the evening and giving your spouse an entire recap of your day. I’m talking about discussing each of your needs, telling one another [calmly] when you’ve been offended or are upset about something (and listening when your spouse does this in return), and actually talking about your future – children, a house, career paths and choices, etc. Just because those things aren’t happening tomorrow or next month doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t discuss them now.
Listening when your spouse has things to say about these issues, and responding to what they’ve said, not only shows that you care about them and value their opinions, it helps you to function more as a team and less as individuals. And yes, it is normal and healthy to come home and talk about your days since you didn’t spend them joined at the hip. Just make sure you aren’t neglecting the other important communication aspects.
Love through your actions, not just your words. Saying “I love you” twice a day will not fill each others ‘love tank’ (term courtesy of two old friends of mine). The idea of “never stop dating” goes along with this one. Hold hands in the car, in church, at the movies, and when you’re out around town. Send each other cute or sweet messages throughout the day and say those things when you’re in person as well. Sit close to your spouse on the couch, even if you’re just watching TV or chatting with each other. Kiss your spouse every chance you get and enjoy it – they’re the only person you get to share that with. Surprise one another with a nice meal, at home or out at a restaurant. Be spontaneous! The list could go on forever. Do these things every day, pursue them as your pursue your spouse. Forgive me for being upfront, but don’t wait until you want to have sex for these things to come out. That may and most likely would have a negative effect on your spouse, making them feel used or only wanted when it’s convenient for you.
Leave and cleave. Yes, your parents raised you. Yes, your parents are wonderful people who will always love and support you no matter what. But when you take your vows and say “I do” you are leaving them to form a commitment with your spouse and start your own family. Your parents did it. Your grandparents before them did it. And so on. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24). This in no way means that you essentially shun your families or never speak to them! It simply means your spouse is now number one, most important in your life. You have your own home and family now. Your marriage comes before all other relationships. We recently learned at a marriage seminar that your spouse is also now your number one ministry. Their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being are now a top priority. Both spouses should strive for this.
Want to talk to someone? Talk to your spouse. Have questions about a life choice or anything else? Ask your spouse. If you have news – whether it’s good or bad – make it a habit to tell your spouse about it first before telling anyone else. No matter how big or small. Not only is this considerate, but it’s also a part of functioning as one unit. Also, don’t be so quick to bring your parents or other family members into your marriage troubles; this means anything from financial disagreements or health insurance right down to abandonment or worse. Always always always try to fix things together and involving just the two of you. There may come a time to reach out for help, but only when it becomes clear that you can’t do it alone…
Be considerate. Your spouse is a human being, designed by God, and possesses emotions, opinions, and desires. I guess you could also say here “don’t be selfish” and “never stop dating” (again). When you were dating was it acceptable to be rude or cut corners or be a slob? No. And it isn’t anymore acceptable now that you’re married. You also didn’t have to think about anyone else’s needs or opinions other than your own prior to “I do”, but guess what? Now you do. Think of it this way: You are now one body. You don’t take care of only the right side and neglect the left do you? No, because your body would break down and die if you didn’t maintain both parts equally. Your marriage is the same. You can’t focus on yourself and neglect your spouse. Your marriage will suffer and may ultimately fall apart.
So be considerate of your spouse. Pick up after yourself (your spouse is not your mother), value and respect your spouses wishes or opinions, listen to the things they have to say, and most importantly apologize when you upset, offend, or have a spat with your spouse. Not apologizing when you need to is just as hurtful as the words or actions that were said or done to cause the upset in the first place. (Sarcastic and insincere apologies are just as bad if not worse…) Both spouses should do these things.
Some of you may be wondering “But how do I know that I need to apologize?” Get in the habit of apologizing anyway. If your apology isn’t necessary, it’s likely your spouse will respond by saying something similar to “No hun, you don’t need to apologize.” It’s as easy as that.
Something all married couples must come to terms with is that things will not always be perfect and easy. Each of you will stumble. Each of you will make mistakes. You will fall short of the commandments God has given to husbands and wives. But by recognizing that, and asking for Him to help you and give you strength to pursue that goal, you’re taking a step in the right direction.
I think that’s all I can say for now. I understand that not all folks are going to agree with the things I have to say, but I hope that some of you will find this simple advice helpful and valuable. Although I may keep most parts of our marriage private, I would like to ask for your prayers. Pray for wisdom, for healing, and that the love of Christ will saturate every inch of our being together.
“Those who sow in tears will reap a harvest of joy; for though they may weep while going forth to plant their seed, if they persevere, they will undoubtedly return rejoicing — bringing their sheaves with them.” (Psalms 126:5-6)