The American Lie

A few weeks ago I was having dinner with my husband at a small restaurant near our home. There was a couple seated directly behind me carrying on with mostly meaningless, and rather annoying, conversation. I admittedly wished they would just be quiet… until their conversation turned to marriage. It started off with how they were at that age where lots of their friends are getting married or having babies. I, too, have seen this trend among young people I know. The young woman spoke of a friend who is “only 20 … I mean, she hasn’t even lived her life yet.” She mentioned that she likes getting to do what she wants and having “no responsibilities.” The two also mentioned how not “finding yourself” or “experiencing” the world prior to marriage would doom you to divorce.

Like I’m sure many of you have, I recently read an article titled “23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23″ (You can read the original article here.) This article, and the couples conversation, didn’t so much offend me as much as it saddened me. We really do live in a culture today that teaches young people to fear marriage, to look down on it, and that they “owe themselves” something that they can only get by being wild and reckless in their twenties. Our culture emphasizes and encourages independence and selfishness. It teaches us that it’s okay to be self-centered, to care more about yourself than others…

This isn’t the young American dream. It’s the American lie.

All I have to say about the article is that it strikes me as naive and, quite frankly, rather rude. It essentially mocks the institution of marriage while simultaneously belittling it. I also have to say that anyone who uses the term “YOLO” is not mature enough to understand marriage, let alone make assumptions of the marriages of their young counterparts. Marrying young is certainly not “hip” or “cool” in today’s society, and I will be the first to tell you that it definitely isn’t easy either. It is a big commitment, the biggest one you’ll ever make aside from becoming a parent, and you have to work at it every single day.

There is no denying that divorce and dissolution of marriage is definitely prevalent in married couples who are young. But did you know that you are most likely to get a divorce if you have been married 5 years or less? And that this estimated risk is regardless of age when first married? There is actually no reputable evidence that shows that 50% of all US marriages truly end in divorce. Sure, if you look at the CDC stats it appears that in a given year there are twice as many marriages as divorces. But how many of those marriages began and ended in that same year? Probably not many. In order for those numbers to truly represent a 50% divorce rate, half of the marriages that take place in a given year would have to end in that year. Truth is, it’s extremely hard to get a good idea or representation of how many American marriages are ending in divorce. And in fact, the current information on divorce rates reports nothing on their ages; age when married, age when divorced, or even the length of the marriage. The NY Times, which the author of the other article references, does report that “40% of all divorces [occur] in couples under 30″, but do you think that maybe that might be because the couples who marry in their early 20’s will be in that 5-year “window of risk” before the age of 30? Which, let me remind you, has nothing to do with their age.

I’m not here to say that everyone should be getting married young. It definitely isn’t for everyone. But young adults shouldn’t fear marriage – they should embrace it as the gift it can be. It shouldn’t be a taboo – it should be celebrated. Those of us who are young and married should not have to be told over and over again that our marriages will fail – we should be encouraged to keep working at them. And we should not be told that we are “inexperienced”, because marriage is not the end of experiences.

Dating? I experienced enough dating while I was in high school. And honestly, my frequent dates with my now husband are far better than any of my previous ones.

Higher education? My husband went to two vocational schools and earned two degrees – all before we even met. I graduated high school with 12 college credits and a resume a college sophomore would envy. Now I’m a student at our state university, and I’m thankful every day that my husband is here by my side to support me through it physically, emotionally, and financially. And what’s more, after almost 20 years of marriage my dad went back to school for electrical and construction training – at the age of 43.

Travel? My husband spent a month bumming in Hawaii before we met, and I saw DC, South Carolina, Wisconsin, and Minnesota all in one year. We will have many years to travel whenever and wherever we want; and better yet, we get to do it together.

My husband and I also plan on buying a house in the near future, starting a family of our own in a few years, and recently we made the decision to sponsor two children in foreign countries. All of which will be or are new experiences for each of us. My husband also encourages me to try new things all the time, whether it be foods or activities.

We were not designed to be independent beings. We were created to live in relationship – strife free relationship – with other people and with God. “We were made to live face to face with the God of the universe, who fashioned us in His reflection” (Lee Hudson, June 2013). Granted, the “strife free” and “face to face” parts went down the drain in the Garden of Eden, but the point is that we cannot live full lives independently. This idea that we should develop ourselves independently and that any kind of structure or commitment will only hinder us is one of the biggest lies that we are fed as young Americans. I have seen first hand what happens when these ideas are embraced, and do you know what I see? I see a 26 year old woman whose entire life has been focused on self advancement and on her career, who has nothing but her job, and is quickly approaching middle adulthood – alone. I see a newly married couple in their mid-30’s who are struggling tremendously to learn to coexist, because they’ve spent the last 30 years not having to grow and develop with someone else in mind – or someone else to rely on. I see people trying to plant two full grown trees in the same pot and expecting them to thrive; instead of putting two saplings in the same pot and watching them grow together – intertwining and sharing resources. I see young people, our next generation, who think marriage is a consumer item or obsolete entirely, because that’s what their media and society is telling them. And these things break my heart every day.

When Andy and I met, we just knew. We thought “why wait”, not “why rush.” I was not expected to marry him. I felt no social pressure. I wanted to be his wife. I was not afraid to face the world alone – I already knew I could. [In fact, I always expected to end up on my own. Even a year and a half before I married Andy I didn’t think I would ever be married.] We’re still growing, we’re still learning – like all other married couples. We go out, we cuddle, we explore, we read, we like being at parties with friends, we try new things. We aren’t settled down at 21 and 24 with a white picket fence; we are flying by the seat of our pants with a Christmas doormat still on the doorstep in February. But this disorganized mess of a life that we share is ours. We get to learn lessons together and change and develop together, rather than coming from completely different life experiences and lessons 10 years down the road and trying to blend together then. Our marriage is a blessing. Not a hindrance.

I didn’t ask to be put on this earth, but here I am. A young woman. A young wife. I don’t owe myself anything, and I really don’t know where my generation gets that idea. I owe everything to God, because He chose to put me – little old simple me – in the here and now. On this path. And He gave me a purpose. I owe it to Him and my husband to be grateful, respectful, obedient, kind, compassionate, and the best wife that I can be – all and only by the grace of God.

Marriage is not a cop-out. It’s not for guilt free sex. It’s not taking the easy road. It’s not until I get bored with my spouse. And it is not obsolete. It’s forever. It’s choosing to walk the narrow path, to pass through the narrow gate, and to not conform to this world. It’s choosing to walk in obedience with Christ and in the commandments of God. It’s putting your commitment to God and to your spouse above all else. It’s putting the needs of your spouse and of your marriage [or family, if you have children] before your own needs, but knowing that your needs will still be met because your spouse is doing the same for you. It’s being a team. It’s realizing that there is more to life than what this world is offering us.

So to those of you who are young and married, do not lose heart. Do not be discouraged by our media and by our society. Be a light. Be the example you want the next generation to look up to. And if you are young and unmarried, I do not wish you to be offended by my words. But I do wish you would look around at the America you live in and decide where the lies lie for yourself… Our nation is broken, and it’s not just its marriages.

[I’ll take that list of ’23 Things’ and raise you ’23 Things To Do When You’re Married In Your 20’s’. I think you’ll find there is still lots you can do… Stay tuned for that one.]

These things can be applied to couples of all ages. I have geared this toward my generation simply because we are constantly being ridiculed and convicted by our own peers for choosing to be married. I hope that this article changes the way that some of you may view marriage. I also realize that I have readers from all over the world. If there are issues surrounding young marriage in your country please share in the comments below. I would be very interested to hear about it. Thank you.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” [Romans 12:2 ESV]

Marriage Isn’t For You

lmccarty11:

This is wonderful advice for couples at all stages and seasons of marriage. But always remember, these things work best when both spouses take on the new perspective and pour out their love on each other.

Originally posted on Seth Adam Smith:

Kim and I

Kim and I

Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. :) I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my…

View original 573 more words

The Power of Prayer

* This article is far more open, honest, and forthcoming than previous publications. I encourage you to read this with an open heart and an open mind. *

As a young Christian I used to hate it when those more seasoned than I would tell me to “pray about it” or “I’ll pray for you.” What good does prayer do? God doesn’t listen to MY prayers. I am small in the grand scheme of things.

We recently completed a series at our church called Frequently Avoided Questions, and one Sunday the question was “Why does God answer some prayers but not others?” The short of that answer is He does answer all prayers, He just does it in His time and it’s not always the answer we expected or wanted. Sometimes we have to wait for an answer. And since we Americans live in a culture that is accustomed to instant gratification, that can be used as a lesson in patience for some of us. “God answers every prayer in a way that accomplishes the greatest and ultimate good” and “He can be trusted always to be good” to us (Dan Jerrell, June 2013). When Andy first joined me in Anchorage in the fall of 2011 he had trouble finding a job in his field of work. And we prayed. We never gave up faith that God would answer our prayers and place Andy with the right job. One year of prayers and dead end jobs later, Andy got hired at a shipping and transportation company – doing exactly what he went to school to do. This was lesson number one for me.

Lesson number two has not been so joyous… And it is an ongoing process.

As I’ve said before, our journey has been a struggle. I have spent countless nights quietly crying while my husband sleeps next to me. I have dreaded coming home in the evening and driven around the block more than once to put it off a little longer. I have thought about how and when I could leave, and been too scared to act on it. But through all of that the one thing I kept doing was praying. I prayed for God to change Andy’s heart, make him more open with me, help him to see how badly he was hurting me…

For quite a while my prayers were all about changing my mate and nothing about myself. Then one night, as I sat on my parents couch fighting back tears and reading yet another e-book on marriage, something stood out to me. I needed to ask God to fix and strengthen myself before I could ask him to work on my spouse. More importantly, I had to prepare my heart to allow God to work through me to act on my spouse. My prayers switched from “change my husband” to “change my heart.” I started asking God to change the way I respond, to change my heart for my husbands favor, and to mold me into the wife that my husband needs me to be. I found it easier to be patient with my husband and to hold my tongue where I would usually snap at him. But even after months of praying I wasn’t seeing or feeling change in Andy.

It became increasingly hard to love someone whom I felt continuously brushed me aside. I tried my best to continue the things that I knew God wanted me to do, but as weeks turned into more months I found that I was wearing thin. And I broke. I literally cried out to God several times, as I had done in our engagement. I was honest [and even angry] with God, and I asked why He had done this to me. I told Him I couldn’t do this anymore, that I was broken, that I felt like I had failed Him and my husband. It was in this time that I finally and honestly handed my marriage to God. I had been struggling with trusting Him to bring my marriage out of ashes, and I just couldn’t struggle anymore. What became my last resort, should have been the first thing I did. Daily I needed to yield to God and die to my own desire to leave.

Just when I was losing faith and beginning to believe those voices in my head telling me that God was ignoring me, that I was too small, I started seeing change. Seeing change after more than a year of silent pain. Change in both of us. God has heard my prayers, and He is answering them. Andy has started working with me, making gestures and efforts that are thoughtful and sincere, even simply apologizing when he hurts my feelings. The steps may be small, but to me they’re huge.

My desperate pleading prayers for help have turned to prayers of praise and thanks. I am starting to see the fruits of prayer and how God is working through me. I have seen how in my hurt and suffering He has taught me how to trust Him and just be still and wait on Him.

I have learned several lessons so far throughout this struggle. First, the obvious ones, I have learned how to pray with an honest heart and how to trust that God is working even when I feel forgotten. And I learned that “prayer is not about affecting God’s hand, it’s about aligning our hearts” (Dan Jerrell, June 2013). Second, I have come to understand that my spouse is made by God in His image. “Forgiven, beloved, hidden in Christ. Made in the image of the giver of life. Righteous and holy, reborn and remade. Accepted and worthy, this is our new name” (Jason Gray – I Am New). He belongs to Christ first and myself second. I have learned that I must love and forgive my husband unconditionally as Christ has done for he and I. And I’ve learned that I can only do that by allowing God to work through me. Third, you truly do have all the power to build up, or break down, your spouse. Everything you do or don’t do, say or don’t say, has an effect on your spouse. Learning your spouses love language(s), as I talked about in my last post, can help you learn how to build (and love) them up with your words and actions.

I’m going to skew a little off course here and tell you that there is nothing that we as humans can do that is more powerful than prayer. Not one of you is looked over by God. He knows your name. He sees every struggle and every need. He is with you even when you don’t feel it. Something our human mind has trouble grasping is the fact God is ominous; he is with the sick in villages in Africa, He is watching over our soldiers in the Middle East, and He is with you in your joy and in your tough seasons of life. No person is too small in the eyes of God. And for those of you who don’t know Christ, I want you to know that there is nothing in this life so terrible that you could do that He would not forgive you. Our God is gracious and loving; “[He] is fundamentally good…predisposed to what is good, right, and ultimately good for us” (Dan Jerrell, June 2013). Your debt has been paid. You will not be turned away. You can find life, meaning, and purpose in Christ. You will be accepted and loved just the way you are. You just have to be willing.

I know we still have a long road ahead, and God is certainly not done molding us, but my strength and faith are renewed and I feel we are heading in the right direction. I have had a profound response from my openness and honesty, and I hope that you can take these words and lessons to heart. My hope is that through my transparency you will find comfort in knowing you never struggle alone and that God is always listening. I hope you can use the lessons I’ve learned and apply them in your own situations. Remember, even when the storm is raging, calmer seas are sure to come. Trust in the Lord, and step out on the seas. He will lead you, and your marriage, to shore.

 

 

“Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” (Mark 11:23, 24 ESV)

Quotes from Dan Jerrell, ChangePoint Alaska, June 2, 2013

The First Year

This may be more than a few months late, but I’m pleased to announce that we survived our first year of marriage! We celebrated with a fancy night out (that included dinner and a horse-drawn carriage ride through downtown Anchorage) and taking the train to Whittier the following day for a day-cruise.

Andy & I with Surprise Glacier - June 2013

Andy & I with Surprise Glacier – June 2013

As I’ve said before, whoever first said “The first year of marriage is the hardest” was definitely onto something. Some days I want to strangle him (and I’m sure he sometimes feels that way too!) and there have been many days where I have thought to myself “What did I get myself into?” But more often than not I can look at my husband I think “Oh yeah” with a loving and grateful heart.

There is a stigma that surrounds people who choose to marry young. They’ll never make it. You’re throwing your “fun years” away. You’re going to change so much in the next 5-10 years. We’ve heard it all. Granted divorce rates are highest among young couples and those who have been married for less than 5 years…

I will be the first to admit that the D word has crossed my mind more times than I care to count in this last year. Our road has been long and winding, full of potholes and bumps. Marriage is a beautiful thing, but its not always pretty. I have had to continuously realign myself with God’s vision for marriage and remind myself that I refuse to let my marriage become a statistic. At least a negative one. I won’t let all those folks who adhere to that “young and married” stigma be right.

I want to share with you a few things I have learned in my first year (now nearly year and a half) as a wife. These lessons weren’t always easy for me to learn and remember – I am my fathers daughter after all! My hope for you is that you will be more open and less hard headed than I was starting out.

Yes. There will be change. In both of you and in your life together. Learning how to handle household responsibilities between two people, how to share you personal space with someone of the opposite sex, and learning to see your home as not just your home but a home that you share can all be hard things to get used to. But the point about trying to be one is that you both learn to adapt to those changes in one-another together.

As a wife and student with a stressful day job, Andy and I face fluctuations in our financial state a few times a year. I work full time in the summer and between semesters, but during the semester I cut my hours back  so I can go to school. That means our income takes a hit. Last fall, that change in income was scary and I worried that we wouldn’t be able to afford our bills or many social activities (and Christmas was coming). But we made it work. We cut back, switched to cheaper alternatives where possible, and put money away when we could. Since then we’ve both gotten raises, and when this fall semester came and I cut my hours at work in half, I felt much more secure because I knew we could take care of each other. It was one change that we adapted to together.

It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. This tends to be more of a problem for us ladies (but gents, you’re definitely not exempt!). It took my husband telling me several times before I learned to manage my tone of voice. He would ask me a question, I would snap at him, and immediately feel bad for doing so. And the cycle went on and on. I’ve since learned to be mindful of how I answer him (remember your mother teaching you to “think before you say”? Mmhm), and to be gentle and calm when requesting he do (or not do) something. This is especially important when your spouse hurts your feelings or does something offensive. Responding with a gentle and sincere tone generally yields a calmer reaction in your spouse.

Learn your spouses love language(s). And most importantly, learn to speak them. We don’t all feel loved in the same way as our spouses, and this is an area you should work on together to build a better relationship. For example, my top love languages are Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation. I feel most loved when my husband does simple things like hold my hand, tell me I look nice or pretty today, and when he puts the phone down or mutes the television to listen to what I have to say. Can you see how that information can help my husband love me more effectively? If you don’t already know each others love languages you can find out here. All it takes is 10-15 minutes to complete the survey and you’ll get your results emailed to you. (Be sure to share them with each other!)

Get out and do things. Don’t let work, school, housework, or anything else in our day to day lives bog you down. Change things up! Pick a new activity to go try, a new restaurant, or volunteer with your church for a weekend. You will both quickly get bored if you don’t shake things up now and again, and more often than not that boredom gets taken out on each other.

Take advantage of marriage resources that are available. Find out if there is a small group at your church for married couples. Not only can you fill your spiritual and fellowship tanks, but you can also form healthy friendships with other like-minded married folks [Having married friends is also a very important thing]. Marriage Works! has wonderful resources and encouragement for couples at all stages of marriage. They offer faith based, biblical teachings and insight for marriage. Like their Facebook page to get daily encouraging words right in your news feed.

Don’t play the blame game. When you blame your spouse for problems, nobody wins. When you “win” an argument, your marriage loses. Make sure you examine your own words and actions before you point the finger. Often times both spouses are contributing to the issue, and who started it is irrelevant. What matters is you put it to rest together so that you both win and your marriage benefits.

If you survive the first year of your marriage, you’ve already beaten so many statistics. Marriage is a learning process. These things don’t happen over night, and there will always be new lessons to be learned. God doesn’t give us challenges that we can’t handle. He gives us opportunities to learn from and trust in Him.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:2-3 NIV)

Experiencing Loss Together

When sin entered the world through Adam and Eve, so did death. In our lives today, we accept that death is a “natural” part of life and we will not only face our own demise one day but also the passing of our loved ones.

Three weeks ago today a very dear friend of ours, the man who married us before God and our families, passed away very suddenly. Frank was a full time missionary to Uganda and South Sudan and lived here in Alaska for 6 months out of the year. He had a kind voice and a gentle touch with everyone who had the pleasure of knowing him. The work he was doing in Africa was truly the work of God; he taught at and helped start the South Sudan Theological Seminary where young men are molded into Godly examples, which has enabled countless people in villages and towns to come to know Jesus. In 2012 he raised the money and obtained necessary paperwork to purchase a four-wheel-drive truck in South Sudan for traveling into villages that have no roads. In late 2011/early 2012 he assisted in opening a medical clinic in memory of his late wife Adelaide – a wonderful woman with just as much love and passion for the Lord as Frank!

When I first started dating my husband, Andy, Frank was staying at my in-laws home. He was so incredibly welcoming and accepting right away, it was as if I had known him my whole life. Since he had been there to see the beginning (and even took part in teasing Andy about this “girl” he hadn’t brought home yet!) it only made sense that he be the one to marry us when the day came. And we are so incredibly blessed to have those memories.

Although this isn’t the first time that one of us has had someone we know pass away, it was the first time that we had to learn to grieve together. Learning to grieve together is not something I had ever thought about prior to marriage. The morning that we woke up to the news Andy was about to leave for work and I was just getting up to get ready. Of course I cried and he held me tight for a few minutes before leaving. We talked a little that evening about Frank but it wasn’t until a few days to a week later that I asked him if he had been thinking about him and the family. It was in these moments that I started learning about how we grieve. Andy doesn’t feel the need to talk about it and is content thinking and praying on his own. For me, on the other hand, talking about it together a little bit and reliving all those good memories is an important part of my grieving process.

We both understood each others needs, and during this short grieving process we took good care of each other and did whatever the other needed to feel okay. A suggestion I can offer for you is to ask your spouse if they’ve ever experienced a loss in their life. A family member maybe? A friend? And especially ask them how they dealt with it. What is their grieving style? It may sound like a morbid conversation, but one day as a married pair you will experience a loss together. And as a married pair you will grieve together. Understanding what your mate needs from you (or doesn’t need from you) will help you both grieve in a healthy way.

I think I said it best on the morning of Frank’s passing: “The world has lost a great and amazing man today. Our hearts are broken with his family and dear friends. But we rest in the promise that he is home with the Lord and his wife. To his entire family, we love you all and we’re praying for you in this time of great loss.” That truly is the greatest comfort. I will still definitely miss his occasional “Gardner’s Goings” emails, the surprise phone calls, and the few dinner dates we were lucky enough to share. To the family, we’re always thinking about you all, we love you, and we hope you’ve found peace and comfort in this time.

 

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“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalms 34:18 ESV)

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” (John 14:1-4 ESV)

Photos by Jenna D Photography

Weathered

“Waiting for the sunrise, waiting for the day. I’m waiting for a sign that I’m where you want me to be. You know my heart is heavy and the hurt is deep, but when I feel like giving up you’re reminding me…” These are words from The Afters’ song Lift Me Up. These are words I can’t stop singing.

Here is where I start my married life blogging. And I can promise you it isn’t always going to be pretty.

Whoever first said “the first year of marriage is the hardest” was onto something. One of my sister-in-laws told us in the weeks before our wedding that getting married and having children makes you realize how selfish you are. I think she was onto something too.

My husband and I have struggled tremendously in these 7 months. There has been no “honeymoon period” and we have been seeking help for a little more than a month now. I in no way wish to spill the private details of our imperfect marriage out into writing, but I have advice that I hope can spare some other couple out there the hurt, abandonment, shame, and unbelievable stress that I have felt over the past few months.

Communication is so important, as cliche as that sounds. Lack of it can destroy your marriage. I don’t mean sending text messages throughout the day or coming home in the evening and giving your spouse an entire recap of your day. I’m talking about discussing each of your needs, telling one another [calmly] when you’ve been offended or are upset about something (and listening when your spouse does this in return), and actually talking about your future – children, a house, career paths and choices, etc. Just because those things aren’t happening tomorrow or next month doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t discuss them now.

Listening when your spouse has things to say about these issues, and responding to what they’ve said, not only shows that you care about them and value their opinions, it helps you to function more as a team and less as individuals. And yes, it is normal and healthy to come home and talk about your days since you didn’t spend them joined at the hip. Just make sure you aren’t neglecting the other important communication aspects.

Love through your actions, not just your words. Saying “I love you” twice a day will not fill each others ‘love tank’ (term courtesy of two old friends of mine). The idea of “never stop dating” goes along with this one. Hold hands in the car, in church, at the movies, and when you’re out around town. Send each other cute or sweet messages throughout the day and say those things when you’re in person as well. Sit close to your spouse on the couch, even if you’re just watching TV or chatting with each other. Kiss your spouse every chance you get and enjoy it – they’re the only person you get to share that with. Surprise one another with a nice meal, at home or out at a restaurant. Be spontaneous! The list could go on forever. Do these things every day, pursue them as your pursue your spouse. Forgive me for being upfront, but don’t wait until you want to have sex for these things to come out. That may and most likely would have a negative effect on your spouse, making them feel used or only wanted when it’s convenient for you.

Leave and cleave. Yes, your parents raised you. Yes, your parents are wonderful people who will always love and support you no matter what. But when you take your vows and say “I do” you are leaving them to form a commitment with your spouse and start your own family. Your parents did it. Your grandparents before them did it. And so on. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24). This in no way means that you essentially shun your families or never speak to them! It simply means your spouse is now number one, most important in your life. You have your own home and family now. Your marriage comes before all other relationships. We recently learned at a marriage seminar that your spouse is also now your number one ministry. Their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being are now a top priority. Both spouses should strive for this.

Want to talk to someone? Talk to your spouse. Have questions about a life choice or anything else? Ask your spouse. If you have news – whether it’s good or bad – make it a habit to tell your spouse about it first before telling anyone else. No matter how big or small. Not only is this considerate, but it’s also a part of functioning as one unit. Also, don’t be so quick to bring your parents or other family members into your marriage troubles; this means anything from financial disagreements or health insurance right down to abandonment or worse. Always always always try to fix things together and involving just the two of you. There may come a time to reach out for help, but only when it becomes clear that you can’t do it alone…

Be considerate. Your spouse is a human being, designed by God, and possesses emotions, opinions, and desires. I guess you could also say here “don’t be selfish” and “never stop dating” (again). When you were dating was it acceptable to be rude or cut corners or be a slob? No. And it isn’t anymore acceptable now that you’re married. You also didn’t have to think about anyone else’s needs or opinions other than your own prior to “I do”, but guess what? Now you do. Think of it this way: You are now one body. You don’t take care of only the right side and neglect the left do you? No, because your body would break down and die if you didn’t maintain both parts equally. Your marriage is the same. You can’t focus on yourself and neglect your spouse. Your marriage will suffer and may ultimately fall apart.

So be considerate of your spouse. Pick up after yourself (your spouse is not your mother), value and respect your spouses wishes or opinions, listen to the things they have to say, and most importantly apologize when you upset, offend, or have a spat with your spouse. Not apologizing when you need to is just as hurtful as the words or actions that were said or done to cause the upset in the first place. (Sarcastic and insincere apologies are just as bad if not worse…) Both spouses should do these things.

Some of you may be wondering “But how do I know that I need to apologize?” Get in the habit of apologizing anyway. If your apology isn’t necessary, it’s likely your spouse will respond by saying something similar to “No hun, you don’t need to apologize.” It’s as easy as that.

Something all married couples must come to terms with is that things will not always be perfect and easy. Each of you will stumble. Each of you will make mistakes. You will fall short of the commandments God has given to husbands and wives. But by recognizing that, and asking for Him to help you and give you strength to pursue that goal, you’re taking a step in the right direction.

I think that’s all I can say for now. I understand that not all folks are going to agree with the things I have to say, but I hope that some of you will find this simple advice helpful and valuable. Although I may keep most parts of our marriage private, I would like to ask for your prayers. Pray for wisdom, for healing, and that the love of Christ will saturate every inch of our being together.

 

“Those who sow in tears will reap a harvest of joy; for though they may weep while going forth to plant their seed, if they persevere, they will undoubtedly return rejoicing — bringing their sheaves with them.” (Psalms 126:5-6)

A Brides Master List

This is it! This is the list of everything you need for your wedding. Every little detail, every big picture. When I was first starting to plan our wedding, I sat down and typed up everything that came to mind that had to do with a wedding. I’ve since tidied it up a little and figured I would give it to you. It’s a good start for all brides, if you haven’t already done this yourself. I broke it down into categories so it’s easier to keep track of what you’ve already taken care of. You may want to add to/edit and print this list and carry it with you in your wedding planner. You’ll be able to jot things down on it, scratch things off, and look at it while you’re out and about. Good luck, and happy planning!

The Brides Master List

Misc:

Premarital counseling

Wedding invitations

RSVP cards

Thank you cards

Return address stamp

Gift registries

Wedding website

Photographer and Videographer (if you choose to have one)

Wedding night accommodations and reservations

Wedding party gifts

Honeymoon accommodations and reservations (if applicable)

Bride:

Gown, undergarments, and shoes

Leg garters

Earrings, bracelet, necklace

Make-up

Tiara

Veil

Cover-up robe (for getting ready the day of)

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue

Bridal hair appointment

Manicure and pedicure appointment

Wedding Party Attire:

Bridesmaids dresses, shoes, and desired accessories

Grooms tux and shoes

Father of the brides tux

Groomsmens suits/tuxes and shoes

Flower girl dress and shoes

Ring bearer tux and shoes

Ceremony:

Venue

Officiate

Aisle runner

Flower petals for the flower girl

Ring bearer pillow

Flower girl basket

Pew and front decorations

Unity sand/candle set

In Memory candles

Guest book and pen

Brides bouquet (and a toss bouquet)

Grooms boutonniere

Bridesmaids bouquets

Groomsmens boutonnieres

Father of the bride/grooms boutonnieres

Wedding rings

Vows

Entrance and exit music

Reception:

Venue

Cake (and grooms cake if applicable)

Cake knife and serving set

Cake topper

Plates, napkins, utensils (if applicable)

Toasting flutes

Tables and chairs

Linens

DJ or band

First dance song

Father-Daughter dance song

Mother-Son dance song

Decorations [table runners, centerpieces, balloons, Christmas lights, tulle, disposable cameras, etc]

Party favors

Caterer or food

Card box

Gift table

People to get for Help:

Wedding coordinator (at your ceremony venue or church)

Ushers (for ceremony) and “aisle-runner-puller”

Someone(s) to be at the reception before the other guests

Cake cutters and servers

Someone to take gifts home for you after the reception

Decorating help

Clean up crew (for both the ceremony site and reception site)

Wedding Card Album

I got this off Pinterest (no surprise there!) and you can view the full and original tutorial here. I absolutely had to share this! It was my very first Pinterest craft, it was really easy, and it looks so nice. It’s the perfect way to save all the cards you get for your wedding and to preserve all the kind words of wisdom people took the time to write you.

 

Our wedding card album

 

Since it wasn’t my own project to begin with, I won’t elaborate too much on this. I went to Michael’s and picked up large split rings, some cute brads, glittery foam sticker letters, and two sheets of scrapbook paper that matched my wedding colors. For the bow around the front, I used one of the sashes that were tied around the pews at our wedding ceremony. You will need similar materials as well as glue dots, scissors, a single hole punch, and all your wedding cards! Don’t forget to check out the actual tutorial here to see how it’s done and all the things you need to do it :)

 

The front and back cover of our album.

Close up of the top corner. Our album was much thicker than the gal who posted the tutorial. I was very glad I got such big split rings!

Bottom corner. I wrote my tag almost exactly like the examples. I just loved the way it looked!

The open view. I didn’t arrange them by size, I just sort of mixed them up. The envelope glued to the inside of the front cover has a card in it from one of my sisters. She wrote on every inch on the inside of that card and I couldn’t punch a hole through it!

 

This would also be really great for your first Christmas together cards, kids birthday cards, milestone anniversary cards, and bridal or baby shower cards! I’ll definitely be doing this one again. I highly suggest doing this after your wedding. You could maybe even read through them together on your first anniversary (as you eat the top half of your wedding cake) ;)

Reception Centerpieces

There are hundreds, probably thousands, of ideas and examples for your table centerpieces out there. I have quite a few on my “Ideas for Weddings & Parties” board on Pinterest if you need some inspiration. I found this idea for ours on Pinterest, but I tweaked it a little to match our wedding theme. You can view the original pin here.

I gathered 27 mason jars in various sizes (I ended up using only 26; one of them was really tiny!) and I didn’t even have to buy them. All I had to do was get on Facebook (small town girl, remember) and ask if anyone had any jars that they no longer needed or wanted to part with.

You will want a good sized work station. To do this project, you will need mason jars, ribbon of your choice, and a hot glue gun. For display you’ll need flat bottomed clear (or colored if you’d like) pebbles, water, and floating candles.

To start, measure around the jar and add about an extra half inch. Cut your ribbon accordingly – the extra half inch is for glue. I used the same ribbon that I did for the ring pillow and the flower girl basket, so I glued the sheer ribbon first and the turquoise over it. The seam where the ribbons are glued looks like this:

Outside of the jar, where the ribbons are hot glued down.

A view of the inside of the jar. You can see how the bottom ribbon is glued to the jar, then each new spot of glue is put directly over the first.

Once your initial ribbons are glued, decide what ribbon you will be using for the bow. You could also use some other kind of embellishment for the front if you prefer. I used a thin lavender ribbon for some, and the same 3/8 in for others (I didn’t plan it that way, I ran out of the turquoise part way through and ended up using the lavender until I got more turquoise). Instead of tying the bow on the jar, use this bow tying tutorial to tie free bows and hot glue them in your desired spot.

For display at the wedding, fill roughly the bottom 1 1/2 to 2 inches of the jar with the pebbles, fill with water up to the top of your ribbon, and float a candle in them. (You need floating candles… regular candles don’t float. I thought most everyone knew this, but Andy and a few of my friends didn’t! I found mine for about $3.50 per 8 pack at Fred Meyers.)

Our assortment of jars turned out really nice, and once they were on the tables filled with water and had the candles lit it was even better. Here’s 3 of our various jars. You can see the three different bow styles I ended up doing.

Finished centerpieces, minus the pebbles.

Personally, my favorites were the ones with turquoise bows. It was what I originally wanted and I just thought it looked best. I even saved two of them after the wedding and I have them sitting on our mantle with our unity sand :) You could tweak this to match your wedding style or theme and your wedding colors. It’s a very easy project and looks great on tables!

Ceremony & Reception Decorations

Planning the decorations was probably my favorite part of the wedding. I found a website called eFavorMart with decorations, fake flowers, gift boxes, and lots more. I got probably over 90% of our supplies there. And everything is cheap.

To save on cost and on time, our ceremony decorations were very minimal and simple. I tied bows on the aisle end of all the pews and framed the doorway at the back of the sanctuary with tulle. Combined with the aisle runner (which was pulled during the ceremony rather than before) and the unity sand table on the stage, it looked nice and was very simple. Unfortunately I didn’t get a photo of the doorway, but here is a picture of the pews and front of the church:

I got turquoise and lavender colored sashes from eFavorMart, and alternated them on the ends of the pews. You can also see the lace covered unity sand table at the front, and the rolled up aisle runner at the base of the stairs.

 

Our reception was a much bigger decorating task. For starters, the site was way too small for our reception. I was told it had a capacity of 360 people… Maybe 360 people standing shoulder to shoulder and packed in there. Second, there were cabinets, book shelves, a copy machine, and closet doors. Even decorated, it would have looked tacky. So I spent some extra money and went to Walmart to buy king and queen sized white flat sheets. We tacked them to the ceiling in front of the cabinets, in front of and around the book cases, and covered the copy machine. It looked 100 times better! We also draped Christmas lights behind the sheets on the cabinet wall. It looked so good!

From eFavorMart, I ordered satin, pin-tucked table runners in both lavender and turquoise. I also got 3 bolts of white tulle and 3 bolts of turquoise. I used white table cloths, ran the table runners lengthwise on each table, and placed our party favors, centerpieces, and bubbles on top. Here is how it looked at the end. I wish I had a before image!

 

You can see how packed it was in there. In the end, everyone had a great time and we really enjoyed it ourselves. But I can’t help but wish we had gotten another venue!

Party favors don’t have to be extravagant or expensive, but it is a nice gesture. We got 200 2×2 inch favor boxes from eFavorMart, filled them with Hershey’s kisses and hugs, and then tied ribbon around them with bows on top. It was so incredibly time consuming, but we did it and they looked great!

A close up of our favor boxes. I used both lavender and turquoise ribbon to mix things up. You can imagine how long this took!

 

I also made our centerpieces. I got the inspiration off Pinterest, and I’ll post a how-to soon. I got 26 mason jars, hot glued ribbon and bows onto each of them, put clear pebbles in the bottom, filled them with water, and floated floating candles in them at the reception. They came out so good, I saved two for myself and put them on our mantle in our home. You can find lots of other centerpiece ideas both at Pinterest and on TheKnot. It’s worth going through them, there are so many good ideas!